What an exciting Eurovision final, where Australia almost ran away with the coveted prize. But in the end, the Ukraine’s politically charged, yet boring number won, and we will travel to sunny Kiev next year!
The proceeding start off with the presentation of the contestants, accompanied by models wearing spandex underwear and paper outfits onto which country flags are projected.
Our delightful hosts are Petra Mede (wearing a dream in beige) and Måns Zelmerlöw (last year’s winner, wearing a grin). They claim that this contest is about uniting countries with music – not sure where this is coming from.
Belgium’s disco number opens the competition, dressed all in white, against a 4-connect LED display – 10th place despite the surprisingly timid dance moves.
The Czech Republic (in a white wedding dress – is white it, this year?) lowers the mood with a labouring tune. The most exciting thing that happens on stage is when Gabriella’s hair suddenly comes loose…is that it? Apparently! Second last at 25th.
The Netherland’s Paul Kelly (Douwe Bob) offers a full band and 3-piece suits. Some apparently liked it – 11th place.
Azerbaijan’s Samra wears a marvellous jumpsuit (perhaps left over from last year’s Eurovision?). Her backup dancer/singers are dressed as football players but apparently can’t sing or dance. The audience and judges were equally confused – 17th place.
Hungary’ Freddy in a, yes, you guessed it, white, T-shirt. Even the backing whistlers are wearing T-shirts. Such sartorial sloppiness is swiftly relegated to 19th place.
Francesca from Italy takes the stage in a deconstructed garden. She borrowed Freddy’s T-shirt and found some abandoned dungarees. Her song was sweet and full of hope for a more fashionable future – 16th place.
Israel’s Hovi, whose hair appeared to have had an earlier run in with a rogue wind machine, is accompanied on stage by co-joined twins trapped in a hula-hoop. A respectable 14th!
Bulgaria’s Poli and her posse from Blake 7 delivers an upbeat number that clearly struck a chord with Europe – 4th place.
A big cheer welcomes Sweden to the stage with young Frans (that white T-shirt is still making its rounds). Frans is working the crowd with the tiniest dance steps ever, richly rewarded with place 5th.
Finally, some stage fog for Germany’s Jamie-Lee, who was allowed to dress herself, with devastating outcomes – last place!
The white T-shirt is back, this time on France’s Amir, who carries an energetic performance, mostly in French, to a deserved 6th place – best placing for France in decades!
Poland’s circus director/vampire Michal commands a string quintet and eerily reminds me of Conchita. It was the key change that propelled this otherwise languid tune into place 8.
Australia is up next: Dami is stuck on a black box, mimicking to the visual effects from the Minority Report. Australia’s love affair with Eurovision continues – an amazing 2nd place!
Rightly placed behind bars, Cyprus requires several cubic tons of stage fog to obscure the ridiculous onstage antics. This goes no further than 21st place.
Serbia’s Sanja defeats unwelcome advances on stage. The leather outfits could not distract from the off key singing – 18th place.
Bless Donni from Lithuania for wearing a white leather jacket – there is just not enough of that…EVER! He flirts with the audience, does somersaults and sails into 9th place.
Croatia’s Nina easily has the best outfit for the evening. An XL sized kimono, ripped off by some dark figures, revealing some sort of jellyfish tentacles. Despite the dress and the mother of all key changes, Croatia does not make it beyond 23rd place.
Sergey is Russia’s equivalent to Ricky Martin, only straight, of course. Dressed as a dentist Satanist (where is that white T-shirt from earlier?), he performs against the best onstage LED display for the evening. Many, many points propel him into 3rd place.
All I remember from Spain is a glittery basketball t-shirt and a swan dive on stage – 22nd place.
Latvia’s Justs was so much less than Donni from Lithuania and imminently forgettable –15th place.
The Ukraine (in electric blue) delivers a haunting (or just off key?) song, retelling the horrors of war in the Crimean. Clearly the political message was a winner with Europe and after a tight point finish, the Ukraine will host Eurovision 2017!
Malta’s Ira quickly lowers the tone with a dress crevasse and one very excellent leg (the other one stays hidden). Windmachines are working overtime, as is the sole dancer on stage – 12th place.
Georgia’s attempt at giving Eurovision the finger worked – 20th pace!
Zoe from Austria is dressed as a Disney princess and sings about laughing and singing……not even unicorns could be happier. A solid 13th place.
Joe and Jake from the UK appear in t-shirts, leather jackets and two drummers. Still not enough: 24th place.
Ivetta from Armenia is bathed in stage fog and dressed as a gymnast ready to compete in the pommel horse. I have said it before, great blow wave: 7th place!
For the intermission, Petra and Mans deliver a humorous medley of all Eurovision clichés we have seen over the years (including guest appearances by Lordi, Alexander Rybak and that ice skater used by Russia’s Dimi back in 2008).
And just in case the audience did not get how grotesque Eurovision is, Justin Timberlake’s performance drives home the point.
Highlights from the voting shenanigans: the Iceland presenter appeared with a dog. Other than that we had the usual geopolitical block voting and excruciating small talk from the local presenters: Good evening Stockholm, this is Valetta calling…..
I am off to buy a white leather jacket…..I already have a white t-shirt!
Many thanks for seeing through Eurovision 2016 with us! See you next year in Kiev!
Club Douze Points