Good evening Liverpool!

It’s 2023, forget the war raging in Europe or the cost-of-living crisis, it is time to flock (for most of us, virtually) to Liverpool to witness the reality defying spectacle that is Eurovision!

Liverpool, I hear you ask? Does this mean the UK won Eurovision in 2022… nah! Well, to be honest, the UK came pretty close to it with Sam Ryder snatching second place. The sentimental favourite, Ukraine won Eurovision 2022, but since Europe and the Eurovision officials are not inclined to sit under a hail of Russian drones, the UK is hosting Eurovision 2023!

And what better country to do so – the UK has won Eurovision five times (albeit most of them several centuries ago) and has only just conducted its Eurovision dress rehearsal, abound with outrageous costumes, bewildering traditions, dramatic choreography – although I have been assured that all swords will have to be checked in at the cloak room.

So, what can we expect from Eurovision 2023? Soaring voices, thumping beats, a millinery of hats, broken hearts, and of course a fair number of ho-hum tunes and inane lyrics. The hosts will hail from the UK and the Ukraine, a sure recipe for some very tedious on-stage banter!

Who stands to gain from all this? The economy in Liverpool, apparently, having swiftly exchanged coronation souvenirs with cheap blue and yellow flags, fridge magnets, beanies and scarfs. Semis are on Tuesday and Thursday this week and the finales Saturday May 13.

So, hang in there with us, Club Douze Points, who will bring you expert reviews of all entries!