Eurovision Finals 2018

Here we are again, at the Eurovision finals for 2018! The evening opened, as is now traditional, with the parade of the Eurovision finalists. And as if Eurovision were not camp enough, the flags were presented by winking sailors (male and female).

The evening was hosted by Portuguese quadruplets, Daniela, Filomena, Silvia and Catarina.

Thankfully, there was not much talk and we jumped straight into the first contestant.

What a start to Eurovision! Melovin from the Ukraine had it all – trapped in a coffin, dressed in a black morning coat (blown away by wind machines) and flames licking at his feet – it deserved better than 17th place.


Amaia and Alfred from Spain duetted a benign love song accompanied by smiles and not much else. The lack of any choreography, coffins or fire cost them dearly – 23rd place.

( Photo by Pedro Fiúza/NurPhoto)


Change of pace with Slovenia’s girl power. Lea and her friends were stomping up and down the stage under strobe lighting – the crowd was loving it, but not the voters: 22nd. The first whipping ponytails of the evening!



An exhausted Ieva from Lithuania’s had to sit down on stage amongst her floppy pink dress. Finally, she scrambled up to walk up a set of stairs where she was joined by a young man (her husband?), who had no function at all – 12th place.


Cesar (Austria), dressed in a star trek uniform, was not distracted by the off-key backing singers, and delivered a solid upbeat performance, carried into 3rd place by the jury vote.


Estonia’s Queen of the Night, Elina pierced the evening with a soprano performance that could have shattered wine glasses (and ear drums). Her magnificent dress saved the performance – 8th place.


Norway’s Alexander Rybak could not bank on his previous Eurovision win in 2009: 15th place.


The host Portugal was up next, but Claudia’s harmony with her onstage friend was off-key and she was swiftly relegated to the last place. Best pink hair of the evening!


The UK’s performance was interrupted by some clown who rushed the stage and grabbed the microphone (Kanye?). An undeserved 24th, despite the excellent recovery from SuRie who belted out what remained of her song. Another wardrobe pick from the star trek set.


Serbia’s wailing and ethno drums were swiftly punished – 19th place.


Michael from Germany was tugging the heartstrings of voters across Eurovision. Dressed in black with excellent curls, and even better visual effects – 4th place.


Albania was next with a rock band on stage and a flawless and energetic performance, despite the highly confusing wardrobe – Kiss meets the Klingons? 11th place!


Wearing Jean-Paul Gaultiers’ star trek design, France’s Madame Monsieur made heavy use of on-stage fog, but forwent all other gimmicks – a respectable 13th place.


Czech sunny boy, Mikolas brought his school satchel on stage. Some high jinx dance moves distracted from a flat vocal performance – an inexplicable 6th place.

. (AP Photo/Armando Franca)


The Klingon empire (Denmark) was next – Ramsussen let their flowing beards do all the talking, conjuring up a snow storm on stage – 9th place. Best eye-liner of the evening.


Australia’s very own, Jessica Mauboy gave it her best with a big song, some excellent hair whipping and wild dancing. The crowd love it, but no-one else…20th place.


Finland’s Saara was pulling all leavers – unsuccessfully. Not sure about the NS style uniforms- 25th place!


Keeping the wailing to a minimum, Bulgaria’s Equinox, dressed as Vulcan high priests, delivered a funky anthem and were rewarded with a respectable 14th.


Moldova’s shenanigans on stage (think Bennie Hill) were richly rewarded despite the off-key singing, tuba and primary colours! 10th pace.

(Photo by Vyacheslav ProkofyevTASS via Getty Images)


Sweden’s disco inferno was a welcome relief after Moldova. A flawless singing performance, albeit the promises of a ‘dance you off’ was not met. Still, a respectable 7th place.

(AP Photo/Armando Franca)


At least Hungary’s AWS had a good time on stage, screaming their metal anthem only slightly out of tune. I still dozed off….21st place.


Israel’s Netta was operating the console of a Romulan warbird and delivered the best chicken song and dance of the evening – to the delight of the crowd and Eurovision – 1st place! Israel, here we come!

(Photo credit should read FRANCISCO LEONG/AFP/Getty Images)


Another band arrived on stage –Netherland’s country & western Waylon. Or so it seemed -the guitars were fake and quickly discarded to make room for some very energetic dancing. This type of deception never goes far – 18th place.


Ryan from Ireland was accompanied by a black piano, a street lantern and snow. But it was the two affectionate backing dancers that stole the show and catapulted an otherwise boring song into 16th place.


Wearing a spray-on suit, Eleni from Cyprus whips the crowd with excellent hair and dance moves, only narrowly escaping a wardrobe malfunction. Eurovision in its purest form – 2nd place!


Italy closed the performances. I can’t quite remember, but someone did – 5th place.


The jury votes were all over the place with douze points going to Austria, France, Germany, Sweden, Albania and Cyprus and Israel, changing the lead at almost every vote. The popular votes then rearranged the leaderboard dislodging Austria from the first place to make room for Israel and Cyprus.

In a nail-biting finish, Israel beat Cyprus by 100 points – Tel-Aviv here we come!

It is over, thankfully – I need a nap!

Eurovision Finals Review

Dear friends,

What an exciting Eurovision final, where Australia almost ran away with the coveted prize. But in the end, the Ukraine’s politically charged, yet boring number won, and we will travel to sunny Kiev next year!

The proceeding start off with the presentation of the contestants, accompanied by models wearing spandex underwear and paper outfits onto which country flags are projected.

Our delightful hosts are Petra Mede (wearing a dream in beige) and Måns Zelmerlöw (last year’s winner, wearing a grin). They claim that this contest is about uniting countries with music – not sure where this is coming from.



Belgium’s disco number opens the competition, dressed all in white, against a 4-connect LED display – 10th place despite the surprisingly timid dance moves.



The Czech Republic (in a white wedding dress – is white it, this year?) lowers the mood with a labouring tune. The most exciting thing that happens on stage is when Gabriella’s hair suddenly comes loose…is that it? Apparently! Second last at 25th.



The Netherland’s Paul Kelly (Douwe Bob) offers a full band and 3-piece suits. Some apparently liked it – 11th place.



Azerbaijan’s Samra wears a marvellous jumpsuit (perhaps left over from last year’s Eurovision?). Her backup dancer/singers are dressed as football players but apparently can’t sing or dance. The audience and judges were equally confused – 17th place.



Hungary’ Freddy in a, yes, you guessed it, white, T-shirt. Even the backing whistlers are wearing T-shirts. Such sartorial sloppiness is swiftly relegated to 19th place.



Francesca from Italy takes the stage in a deconstructed garden. She borrowed Freddy’s T-shirt and found some abandoned dungarees. Her song was sweet and full of hope for a more fashionable future – 16th place.


Israel’s Hovi, whose hair appeared to have had an earlier run in with a rogue wind machine, is accompanied on stage by co-joined twins trapped in a hula-hoop. A respectable 14th!



Bulgaria’s Poli and her posse from Blake 7 delivers an upbeat number that clearly struck a chord with Europe – 4th place.



A big cheer welcomes Sweden to the stage with young Frans (that white T-shirt is still making its rounds). Frans is working the crowd with the tiniest dance steps ever, richly rewarded with place 5th.


Finally, some stage fog for Germany’s Jamie-Lee, who was allowed to dress herself, with devastating outcomes – last place!



The white T-shirt is back, this time on France’s Amir, who carries an energetic performance, mostly in French, to a deserved 6th place – best placing for France in decades!



Poland’s circus director/vampire Michal commands a string quintet and eerily reminds me of Conchita. It was the key change that propelled this otherwise languid tune into place 8.



Australia is up next: Dami is stuck on a black box, mimicking to the visual effects from the Minority Report. Australia’s love affair with Eurovision continues – an amazing 2nd place!



Rightly placed behind bars, Cyprus requires several cubic tons of stage fog to obscure the ridiculous onstage antics. This goes no further than 21st place.



Serbia’s Sanja defeats unwelcome advances on stage. The leather outfits could not distract from the off key singing – 18th place.



Bless Donni from Lithuania for wearing a white leather jacket – there is just not enough of that…EVER! He flirts with the audience, does somersaults and sails into 9th place.



Croatia’s Nina easily has the best outfit for the evening. An XL sized kimono, ripped off by some dark figures, revealing some sort of jellyfish tentacles. Despite the dress and the mother of all key changes, Croatia does not make it beyond 23rd place.



Sergey is Russia’s equivalent to Ricky Martin, only straight, of course. Dressed as a dentist Satanist (where is that white T-shirt from earlier?), he performs against the best onstage LED display for the evening. Many, many points propel him into 3rd place.



All I remember from Spain is a glittery basketball t-shirt and a swan dive on stage – 22nd place.



Latvia’s Justs was so much less than Donni from Lithuania and imminently forgettable –15th place.



The Ukraine (in electric blue) delivers a haunting (or just off key?) song, retelling the horrors of  war in the Crimean. Clearly the political message was a winner with Europe and after a tight point finish, the Ukraine will host Eurovision 2017!



Malta’s Ira quickly lowers the tone with a dress crevasse and one very excellent leg (the other one stays hidden). Windmachines are working overtime, as is the sole dancer on stage – 12th place.



Georgia’s attempt at giving Eurovision the finger worked – 20th pace!



Zoe from Austria is dressed as a Disney princess and sings about laughing and singing……not even unicorns could be happier. A solid 13th place.



Joe and Jake from the UK appear in t-shirts, leather jackets and two drummers. Still not enough: 24th place.



Ivetta from Armenia is bathed in stage fog and dressed as a gymnast ready to compete in the pommel horse. I have said it before, great blow wave: 7th place!


For the intermission, Petra and Mans deliver a humorous medley of all Eurovision clichés we have seen over the years (including guest appearances by Lordi, Alexander Rybak and that ice skater used by Russia’s Dimi back in 2008).

And just in case the audience did not get how grotesque Eurovision is, Justin Timberlake’s performance drives home the point.

Highlights from the voting shenanigans: the Iceland presenter appeared with a dog. Other than that we had the usual geopolitical block voting and excruciating small talk from the local presenters: Good evening Stockholm, this is Valetta calling…..

I am off to buy a white leather jacket…..I already have a white t-shirt!

Many thanks for seeing through Eurovision 2016 with us! See you next year in Kiev!

Club Douze Points