Azerbaijan, Germany and Russia


Miracle by Samra 


The chorus line of this song ‘Gonna take a miracle’ seems to betray a lack of confidence in Azerbaijan’s ability to take home the Eurovision crown. Why so skittish Azerbaijan? Alongside a growling synth track underlying some sick beats Samra brings the goods with her powerful voice, finely sculpted eyebrows and a delightful slathering of sass. In other words, don’t fuck with Samra.

Azerbaijan’s Eurovision dreams could not be in more capable hands. She seems like the kind of woman who can run in heels and manage a fledging online start-up company to fiscal stability. And if there isn’t a place for her in the Eurovision hall of fame, perhaps there’s one in local government or middle management.

Review by James O’Hanlon



Ghost by Jamie-Lee


After the young, black-haired, pixie-faced 2014 Eurovision champion Lena failed to bring home the goods again in 2015, Germany has decided to shake things up by sending another young, black-haired, pixie-faced songstress, this time wearing a fascinator. The Eurovision powerhouse that is Germany is likely to do well this year, but will the fascinator and eclectic accoutrements carry Jamie-Lee to victory? Probably not.

In my opinion Jamie-Lee simply doesn’t take quirky fashion far enough. It’s as if she was heading to a cosplay convention but didn’t have time put together a decent costume.

Which brings me to my prediction for Eurovision 2017- ‘Furries’ are about to hit the scene in a big way. Whole bands of them! Imagine the Spice Girls, but instead of band members dressing as brit-culture-stereotypes we get purple wolves and fluorescent yellow fennec foxes. Mark my words, 2017 will be the year the Furries hit Eurovision.

Review by James O’Hanlon



You are the Only One by Servey Lazarev


If you have a LAN party coming up then Sergey Lazarev’s ‘You are the Only One’ could be the soundtrack to which you frag your nearest and dearest. Russia seem to have taken a retro angle by bringing us a song that sounds eerily like the soundtrack to a 1990’s video game.

 Filling you with equal parts enthusiasm and the soulless shame that comes with enjoying any pop-song, ‘You are the Only One’ is a solid effort with one major drawback – Sergey simply doesn’t take his shirt off enough. With all the money and time that has apparently been invested into chest waxing and sit-ups this seems like a lost opportunity. Does Russia want to win Eurovision or not??? As my grandfather always used to say, the sun got nowhere to shine till you get them guns out son!

Review by James O’Hanlon

Armenia, Bosnia-Herzegovina and Belarus


LoveWave by Iveta Mukuchyan


Iveta is overcome by a LoveWave, the source of which is a dashingly handsome and hairy Ewin Mcgregor. Emotions have taken hold, and all Iveta can do is screech: uhhhhuhhhuuhhhhuuuhhh. The wailing is artfully amplified by the Armenian Duduk – an ancient, yet annoying reed instrument.  On the plus side, Iveta is sporting a blow wave, the like of which I have not seen since Farrah Fawcett. Also, Iveta has very well shaped eyebrows!

Review by Mariella Herberstein


Bosnia & Herzegovina

Ljubav Je by Dalal & Deen feat. Ana Rucner and Jala


It’s been twelve long years since Deen graced the Eurovision stage with his oh-so-subtle pelvic thrusting, rhinestone-clad, mouth-gaping ‘In the Disco‘, replete with its concerning message about body image.

It may be best to think of ‘Ljubav Je’ as an opportunistic longitudinal study on the effects of aging on the human body. Dependent variables of interest could include hair quantity, hair location, voice pitch and surface area to volume ratio. The next measurement is due in 2028.

Not even France is entirely en français this year, so take this opportunity to drink for a song in a native language.

Review by Ingrid Errington



Help you fly by IVAN


Belarus has sent the love child of Ron Weasley and Kylo-Ren to Eurovision. This could be interesting, but sadly is not. IVAN extrudes a whiny metal ballad that could have been ripped off the back catalog of Scorpion  (remember ‘wind of change’?). While the screen display behind IVAN offers moments of distraction, the viewer is left wondering why he wants to help wolves fly?

Rumours have it that IVAN is planning to perform naked with real wolves – nothing less if he wants a chance to get into the finals.

Review by Mariella Herberstein


Iceland, Austria and Finland


Hear Them Calling by Greta Salóme


As a final year PhD student, this song was a surprise because it’s remarkably accurate in its description of my past couple of weeks. Hearing whispers in the hallways even though nobody else is left working so late in my lab in the basement, stumbling outside to find it now cold and dark after a 13 hour day without windows. Then running to make my train because it’s the off-peak timetable and the next service isn’t for 20 minutes…

Perhaps it’s all those solvents; perhaps the ghosts of postgrads past.

Greta represented Iceland a few years ago paired with Jonsi, who seemed quite good but has now apparently moved onto other things. Rather like that super keen, sparkly-eyed undergrad volunteer that was helping out around the lab back in 2014, now I think of it…

Review by Ingrid Errington



Loin d’ici by ZOË


This dreamy eyed young forest fairy delivers a delicate, happy ditty about being ‘far from here’. The song and Zoe surely mean no harm and I have certainly sat through much worse from Austria (remember the bearded hipsters with the piano on fire from last year?). Austria will probably slip into the finales without anyone even noticing. I do hope the stage show will improve on the CGI toadstools in the background.

Review by Mariella Herberstein



Sing It Away by Sandhja

This poppy number from Finland is pure Eurovision gold and has my votes!!! Sandhja promises to sing away all your worries and troubles, and I for one, believe her. With her girl posse, she hangs out on playgrounds, wears sparkly sneakers and tells you that ‘there is no need to be carrying a frown’. Who cares that the music video featuring a masked rider on a horse and someone boiling water for a cup of tea, makes no sense at all….just ‘sing it away’!

Review by Mariella Herberstein


Hej Stockholm!

Dear friends and lovers of tasteful music!

For the 6th time, we find ourselves in Sweden, who once again has taken home the desired Eurovision trophy thanks to a convincing win by young Måns Zelmerlöw last year. If I concentrate really hard, I can even hum the melody! Check out last year’s reviews here!

What can we expect from Eurovision 2016? I for one predict a low budget show – surely funding Eurovision 6 times is ripping a hole, the size of Småland, into Sweden’s government budget. However, if any country can carry off a global music festival on an IKEA budget, it is Sweden!

So don’t fret…over the coming weeks, we will be by your side,  reviewing all 2016 entries in preparation of the Eurovision semis and final!

Your Club Douze Points